Walks into Birdbath to window shop. Has a staring contest with the vegan scone; resists. Inquires about healthy options behind the counter; gets a sullen glance. Wins; proceeds with just an iced tea; knows better; thinks of Gisele. Flirts with the scone again; bats eyelashes, smirks.
So like is the scone healthy?
So like, healthy I guess? Definitely the healthiest behind the glass?
There’s no butter, it’s vegan, and made with hemp milk.
But like, sugar too right?
Yes, it’s a scone.
Hmm so it’s probably not thaaat healthy. I’ll just get an iced tea.
Lady understands that client (me) is pathetic. I’ll throw in the scone for free.
Feels at a loss; is Jewish and can’t say no to free food. Inhales scone, justifies because it was free and vegan. Starts looking into Google for answers. Enlighten me with the world of vegan scones; let me in. wonders who in reality actually goes out and eats a scone. A scone!
Next day, goes back to inquire about healthy options behind the glass.
Brain talking: Hmm, that vegan muffin looks oaty, therefore healthy, and has protruding berries sticking out, therefore an antioxidant.
How’s that vegan muffin?
Is it like, healthy?
So it’s probably kind of healthy? Like the healthiest option obviously? Doesn’t look too fattening.
Lady thinks I’m an idiot. I mean, it is vegan.
She doesn’t offer it for free. I buy it. I lost. I ate it. Still trying to come up with a valid justification. If you think of one before me, please get at me. Why the hell couldn’t she just say, “Yeah, it’s definitely the healthiest option. Everything else has a lot of butter, this one just has brown sugar, but no cream or any of the bad stuff, you know? You deserve it, you should totally try it. It’s vegan, so it’s been sprouted and all and is full of nutrients and protein. Look at it. It’s oaty, too. It’s basically like eating Gwyneth Paltrow.”
Whatevs. It was good, by the way. I’ll figure out a way to recreate it with like banana, oats, egg whites, honey and cinnamon and show them what’s gucci.